Quality Time-Quality Friendships

 If a man is measured by the quality of his relationships, what is your measure?
I have a lot of acquaintances but only a few people that I truly call my friends.We truly are pack animals and we are not meant to be alone.

One common theme in almost all of my life drama...is relationship.

I do not always listen to my heart when I make decisions. I do not always do what is best for myself.
When I started evaluating most of my troubles, I found a common theme. I am and always have been a crappy friend. Its true, my friends will tell you so...

I am not being non chalant about it, but I am facing my own truth. In order to find my happiness, I need to be brutally honest with myself. When I sit down and think about it, honestly... I am a bad friend.

Again, I cannot go back and change the past and no amount of sorrow can change it, so I CHOOSE to change it now and make an effort to do it better from here on out.

In order to do this, I decided to focus on my current relationships and make a better effort.

The first thing I did was sit down and think about the friends I have, and the people that are important in my life.

One of the things that makes me a bad friend is I am not really great at staying in touch.

As I have said in the past, depression is really ugly and it causes me to isolate. Isolation perpetuates the viscious cycle of depression and keeps me from spending time with the people I love. In turn, the isolation from the people I love makes me more depressed.

I often rely on my friends to reach out and stay in touch. Of course, I reach out when I need something, even if I just need an ear, or a shoulder, but if I am going to be brutally honest with myself, I am going to recognize the fault I play in the relationships and this.. not keeping in touch and only reaching out when I need someone is one of my greatest faults.  Its not pleasant, being so brutally honest with myself, it hurts. But, if I want to be happy and I want to make necessary changes, I have to face the facts and admit the part I play in this, even when it sucks to admit it.

Quality relationships can make all the difference when times are hard, so isolating myself when things are bad (depression) is not the best thing for myself.

My friends are always there for me, I know if I reach out they will be there, but I am not sure they can or would say the same about me. I have been so hung up in my own drama, depression and self that I am not sure my friends trust that I am and will always be here for them. That is a sad thing to admit about myself.

Part of this healing process and admitting my faults is walking a thin line. I want to be brutally honest with myself, but I do not want to get sad or depressed at the past and my past mistakes.

Keeping that in mind, all I can do is focus on the future and what I can do to be a better friend.

I started reaching out more. A simple "Happy Friday" text or "I saw this..... and it made me think of you" The Pareto principle really does apply here.. it does not take much effort to reach out and let my friends know that I am thinking about them. The benefits, (the 80%) are exponential, I feel good because I am talking to someone I care about, the relationship thrives because I make an effort, my friends know I am here and present and they can count on me and all of that equals Happiness.. which was the goal in all of this self analysis afterall.

Being Present, Living in the moment

In my last post, I talked about my gratitude practice and how it helps me to be present.
Both of the practices (Being present and gratitude) have substantially changed my perspective in life. I feel I am living a calmer, more centered existence now, free from constant worry, fear and stress.
Research shows that practicing mindfulness can reduce stress, boost your immune system, lower blood pressure increase self esteem and bolster happiness.
With all of that positive press, I figured it is probably something I should give a try.
First off, it is somewhat astonishing to me, all of the noise.... my own head is so busy all of the time. Frequently, it is making to do lists, making judgments, it is so busy.. As a matter of fact... my busy, bossy mind carries the sole responsibility for my nasty bout with insomnia.
No matter how tired I was, turning off the lights in the evening subsequently somehow, it was like turning on my incessant chatter.

Oh, I forgot to do something, oh yeah, I need to do something tomorrow, did I take the dog out before I went to bed? Did I lock the front door? How am I going to solve that computer programming issue tomorrow? I need to get a haircut. I forgot to call the insurance company.....

As you can see, it really is nothing vital to my existence , but if the lights are off and I am in the bed, queue the chatter, we are going for a ride. Does any of this sound familiar?
Being present means not thinking about the past, not worrying about the future, not thinking about what you are going to say next in a conversation, it is all about right here, right now.
Life moves so fast, being present allows me to notice the subtleties of life and appreciate them, which strengthens my gratitude practice. Practicing gratitude in turn, strengthens my ability to stay present.
Presence enables me to notice all of the things I can and should be grateful for, the beauty around me, the wind on my face, the sun on my skin, the scent of flowers, the smiles on my children’s faces. It is so much easier to be grateful, when I take the time to think about it.
When I am present, there are no judgements, there are no worries, I can see how it impacts my health, because I am totally aware of everything in my life at this moment. It is so much easier to be happy when I am not worrying about something that needs to be done next week or fretting over something I did in the past.
Once I started listening to all of my self chatter, I realized how much time I waste on things I have no control over. What if….. Deal with what if, when it happens, but, if you are stuck there, in the future what if, you are missing out on what is happening right this very moment and when the moment is gone, you cannot get it back. Bring your focus back to the present.
One way I found that helps bring my focus to the present, is engaging my senses. What do I see, what can I hear, what can I taste, what can I feel?
Remember yesterday, when I talked about being grateful for everyone who helped to get a meal in front of me? Well, when I bring myself in the moment, I can taste how good the food is and I can actually think about all the people that contributed to my sustenance. I can feel my body being nourished. It actually has helped me drop a few pounds, because I am no longer eating mindlessly, while working or watching TV.
Additionally, since we know that excess cortisol (which is caused by stress) contributes to weight gain, high blood pressure and a host of other medical problems. With all that said, being present prevents us from worry and stress, so…. Think of all the second order effects of getting present…
Try it for a few days, try to use your senses to bring yourself back to the present moment, what do you taste, feel, hear, see? This simple act is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Give it a try for a few days, I would love to hear how it changes your life.

Hugs!!
Angi

Finding Joy in the small things

Do you know what you want out of this life? Do you know what makes you happy?
Sometimes, my depression makes happiness illusive. I have been doing a lot of journaling, and even more reading to find my way out of the murky waters of depression. I noticed I always stop when it comes do getting my hands dirty, or actually doing something to get out of it. What I mean is, there often seems to come a time when I have read everything there is to read, or that I am willing to read at least and the next step lies in my hands completely.


On an intellectual level, this seems like common sense, if I want to be happy, I need to do things that make myself happy. It sounds so simple, yet from the seat of depression, that is all, it sounds simple.... action is where the problem lies.


Since I am task oriented, I have a hard time when I write something on my to do list that does not get done. Sometimes, I even write things on my to do list, that I have already done, just so I can check them off, it gives me a sense of accomplishment. When I am in the depths of depression, a sense of accomplishment can be like a life raft, all I have to do is grab hold and let that sense of accomplishment thrive in my heart and I can take a another step, so I can increase or at least continue the accomplishment that I am feeling. I can propel myself into action by checking off the smallest thing...


So, I decided to create a Life to do list for myself. Sometimes, when I am drowning in depression, even the smallest tasks, like taking care of my personal hygiene can seem daunting, so, putting those on my list is a necessity. Now I can check them off and let the sense of accomplishment propel me to take further action.


This got me thinking about things I love to do. In depression, we often neglect even the things that feed our soul. This seems ridiculous to me, but I have observed it first hand, I tend to isolate myself, neglecting the very relationships that could be my salvation.


So, the next things I included in my to do list of the month, were all about spending time with the people I love. Yes, mandatory fun, if you will. When we are depressed, our loved ones feel helpless to help us, so they reacted with joy at my new intention of a date night per month with each son and family dinner on Sunday.


So, by forcing myself to plan mandatory fun, I am at least getting myself out of the confines of my bedroom and spending time with the people I love.


The first Sunday dinner went well, just a few minor hiccups... But, we all made dinner together, ate together at the table (Which is rare these days with everyone's variable schedules) and cleaned the kitchen together. We then played some family board games and before I knew it, hours had passed and I didn't think once about my problems, my future, my past or anything else for that matter.... This is what it means to be present. By doing something with my family, I was able to be present. Maybe it was only a few hours, but it was a start and it felt good and it was good for my relationships with my sons and their girlfriends. It was also something I could check off my list, which gave me a boost, a sense of accomplishment.


Are you stuck in depression? Try drawing on the things you love for strength. If you are anything like me, getting out of bed is the hardest part... A body in motion tends to stay in motion... get moving, do something you love with someone you love, just the tiniest thing really can make a HUGE Difference!